As a village, we had this thing where during the holiday periods or even weekends, we could go and herd cattle in a nearby forest. It bonded us and created a very strong social bond amongst the youth of my generation. It was not only livestock herding but also engaging in what could be termed "communal farming." I refer to it as communal farming because there was no monetary gain after the work. People would have a plan or schedule of activities where each person chooses a day when their farm would be harvested. So members of the community who belonged to that clique (because we had several) would go and do the job. Sometimes they would do two or more farms. I know you are wondering how that happens. Yeah, it happened. I am not talking about the big 100-acre farms. These were small plots of land given to people by the government through the Kenya Forest Service so that they could help take care of the trees as they tilled the land. The practice is what most people know as agroforestry.
So I had a friend, actually several friends, who we were herding with. So in our normal chit-chat, we all had our dreams. I recall one of us talking of how he dreamt of having a successful family and even having a joint wedding with his closest friend. They would then travel to different countries, have the same number of kids, et cetera. They had dreams, and those dreams were valid.
The Big Dream
Recall how we all dreamt of driving big cars, working for big corporations, and being CEOs at a very early age? How we all said one day we will come up with things that will change people's lives? Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Oprah Winfrey, and others became benchmarks for every young person. We grew up watching and reading about them, and we all knew one day we would be where they were or even above. We watched outstanding football players and athletes as children, and we even dabbled in a few games ourselves. I remember playing football, but then I was a goalkeeper. My undoing was the height. I then tried table tennis, which, of course, I excelled at, but going back to the village, the system and the environment there couldn't have made it easier. Eventually, I settled for rugby after trying short races in athletics and failing, haha. All these trials were in high school, a stage where we all try to identify our strengths and see where life is taking us. Two years after high school, I joined the university. I was very interested in pursuing an engineering course, specifically aeronautical engineering, but back then, it was only offered at one of the national polytechnics. My parents could hear none of that since they wanted me to join the university. I was among the first people in our village to go to university, and Mzee couldn't let a "child" be misled and fail to proceed to campus. So I shifted my desire to geology and went on to apply for it. It was only offered at the University of Nairobi back then. I did not get the placement at UoN, but I got "an equivalent" to what I applied for. The system was so messed up, though. How do you place a young person in a course that they did not apply for?
Fast forward to 2026, and here we are, being haunted by the dreams that we did not see come to reality. Did we fail? I guess not. Actually, we did not fail. The system was so rigged, and it messed everybody else up. It made our parents believe that going to university was the real deal and a straight ticket to a good life. Reality is hitting us now that it was a long con. Most of us carry a quiet list of dreams that never materialized. The business idea that never saw the light of day. The degree that was never cleared. The life we imagined at a certain age that didn’t arrive on schedule or at all. These unmet dreams can become a source of guilt and self-judgment.
I think it is time you forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not being where you dreamed of. Forgive yourself for not being at that corporate job, even though some of your friends that you grew up with have hit their prime. Appreciate the fact that unmet dreams are not moral failures and have little to do with character. Unfulfilled dreams deserve to be grieved, but they should not hold you back. Grief is part of growth.
Forgiving yourself is the best way to loosen their grip and reclaim forward momentum. Make peace and move on.
Why It Is Important to Forgive Yourself
Frees you from the past
Unforgiveness traps one in his or her older self. It is a freedom from a past full of regrets that can affect one's mental health. It further keeps you dwelling on the past, thereby aggravating procrastination, whose impacts cannot be overemphasized. Self-forgiveness frees you from past traumas and failures and restores your emotional balance. It helps you refocus on your dreams and work towards achieving stalled projects. Nick Wignall summarises this by saying,
If you continue to dwell on your mistakes, they will continue to feel fresh instead of fading over time.
Makes You Accountable for Your Past Mistakes
Self-forgiveness does not imply not taking responsibility for your past mistakes. We are emotional beings, and emotions do play a role in the decisions we make. Though this is the case, you will never control what happened in the past, but you can control what will happen in the future. Own your mistakes, dust yourself off, and move on. Stop blaming others and take accountability. Beth Nash Bruno says,
When we forgive ourselves, it is not so we can let ourselves off the hook. It’s so we can hold ourselves responsible with gentleness and compassion.
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